The short answer is: absolutely no way, no how, not even a little bit is infertility a sign from God. But it can feel like it is. You feel like you’re doing everything right and you’re just not getting those two pink lines you so desperately want.
As we were trying to conceive, and things weren’t really working, I knew it was time for me to start getting deep. I was in a place where I wasn’t really nice to myself, I wasn’t really nice to my husband, and while I was putting on a nice face, the things I was thinking were horrendous. My mind and ultimately my body weren’t a good place to be.
I woke up angry. I was resentful of everyone. And the envy and jealousy that coursed through my veins was so thick, there were some days, I felt too heavy to get out of bed. I started to question if my infertility was a sign from God that I didn’t deserve to become a mom… or to ever be happy again. It was probably the darkest time of my life.
I knew I had to make a change. Continuing to live that way was going to kill me. And honestly, I didn’t want to be a mom like that. I didn’t want to make a baby from that place, although, I never would have admitted that.
The turning point
In the summer of 2017, after we’d been trying for a year and a half, I unknowingly received a sign from the Universe in the form of a book: The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein. I bought it on audio book from the recommendation of a girl I followed on Facebook that had been through the gambit. If it was helping her, I figured it had to help me.
What I didn’t know was just how much that decision I’d made, to change my life, was both the best and worst decision I’d made to that point. What I uncovered along this journey is who I truly am and what I truly am about.
The worst because I started to take stock in how I was acting in my life. How was I showing up at work. In my marriage. As a family member and friend. And ladies, I didn’t like what I saw. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the thoughts I was thinking about the people I loved.
I couldn’t give myself any grace or compassion at the beginning of this journey, I didn’t know how. So I went in a shame spiral. Using some of these tools that I’d been learning in these books to make myself wrong. I saw myself as a villain. And maybe I was at that time.
From villain to saving myself
We decided to move during our conception journey to be closer to family. And in doing so, I met a coworker who seemed to have this spirituality thing licked. I’d never met anyone who was so open in talking about the Universe and how it supports you. She gave me a ton of other books to read and I decided it was time to dive back into my healing journey.
I was ready to dive back in and dive, I did. I researched healing techniques and started going to reiki a couple times a month. It honestly felt like I was grasping at straws, anything to connect me to this Universe and Spirit that everyone else seemed to find so easily. And to kick this feeling that infertility was some type of sign from God. I worked hard to heal and connect.
And here’s the thing, I didn’t feel like I was healing and connecting. I still felt lost and alone. It was so confusing because I was working so hard. And then, through Gabby Bernstein again, I found the practice of surrender.
Surrender saved me
Sweet, sweet surrender. The moment when everything feels like it’s too much, like it’s going to drown you. The place where all your hard work and effort just aren’t freaking paying off. So you have to give it away. Give it up. Put it down. Release it.
So I released. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Then I went back and tried to pick some of it back up, only to be reminded that carrying it wasn’t my job. It wasn’t my job to control when I was going to get pregnant. It wasn’t my job to say when and how I’d become a mom. I am not in charge of the cosmos and how souls come to meet.
And in surrender, I found out that I don’t want to be. It’s my job is to heal myself, to love myself. My job is to put myself back together when I feel broken. Those things, I control. The rest is up to the universe.
Release the “Is infertility a sign from God?” feeling
If you have been telling yourself that infertility is a sign from God or the Universe that you don’t deserve to have a child, I can help you. Help you to release what you can’t control and to put down the heaviness of this journey. If you’d like to learn more, you can check out my coaching options here.