The Infertility Golden Ticket

Note: This post written from my heart. It’s very personal and discusses my natural pregnancy after successful IVF. Therefore, some of the content may be triggering if you are still going through infertility.

My BFP

I was sitting there staring at a positive pregnancy test. The first positive test I’d ever gotten.  For some – probably most – the rush might have been excitement, joy, hopefulness.  For me, it was fear.  Paralyzing fear. 

I just said the other day that I wasn’t ready for another baby.  Charley was taking up my whole life.  It felt like we were finally getting into the groove of things.  We had a routine.  Our relationship was growing. We were getting to know each other. 

Then came the rush of guilt.  And I dropped the test like it bit me.  How were these the thoughts I was thinking?  What kind of person am I?  To think of all the heartache we went through to get Charley.  To think of the heartache that my friends, people I love and care about, are still experiencing.  And I’m sitting here resenting the fact that I’m pregnant.

It felt like I didn’t have room right now for another kid.  Our marriage needs work, our finances need work.  How are we going to fit another whole life into this?  More sleepless nights?  Another demanding baby?  

Then came the slump

I don’t know if the fear was infertility or mom guilt or toxic guilt.  But I spent weeks with these thoughts swirling around in my head.  Moving in between “How the hell are we going to do this?” and “I am a terrible person for feeling this way.”  There were days where the only things I could do were keep Charley and me fed.  It was dark.  I felt jaded and clouded by these horrible, anxious thoughts I was having.  

I felt like a horrible person because I couldn’t just be happy that I was pregnant.  How many other women do I know who are literally struggling to conceive right now?  The ones who are exactly where I was just 3 years ago.  Feeling like they’ll never get out of their dark cloud. Wishing for a natural pregnancy, let alone one after successful IVF. 

I knew what it was like to go through that, how hard the struggle felt.  All I ever wanted during that time was a positive test.  I would have given anything for that.  Anything.

What changed

And then it hit me: when it comes down to it, I did give everything away to get this positive test.  I gave away everything I thought I knew about life. The woman who got that positive pregnancy test and the woman who struggled for 3 years and multiple procedures to get her first child are not the same.

I gave away my fears, my anxiety.  I put down my judgements of myself. And working through the beliefs I’d been taught took effort. I stopped listening to the voices telling me that “Nothing in life comes easy,” “You can’t even get pregnant right.”  I gave up who I was during my infertility journey.  I invited in a new version of myself.

This new version of me is kind and compassionate to me.  She gives me grace when I need it.  Understands that things aren’t always going to be easy and that’s okay.  She doesn’t ever beat me up when I make a mistake.  Mistakes are meant to happen, she understands that. 

This version of me loves who I am.  She is softer, more maternal.  You see, she mothers me.  I mother me.  In a way that’s more unconditionally loving than anything I’ve ever known.

I spent about 6 weeks in a slump I felt like I couldn’t get out of.  I reverted back to some old thought patterns and I used my spirituality to make myself wrong.  And one day, I realized I’m human.  Being scared is allowed, paralyzing fear is too. I’m allowed to be freaking out about a natural pregnancy after such a struggle to get a successful IVF.

It’s okay to wonder how the heck we are going to have two kids under two.  To worry over my finances.  Once I took a step back and realized that being human is part of what it’s all about, I was able to come back to who I really am.  The kind and compassionate me. The woman that I’m proud to be now.

Would you like to know more?

If inviting in a kinder, softer version of yourself interests you, I have a 5 day challenge to help. Click the link here to sign up and receive an email a day helping you to cultivate a more loving, more mothering version of you. On the other hand, if challenges aren’t your thing, you can find me on Instagram being generally ridiculous. I believe in you.